Delta
10-10-2002, 06:05
This thread may have a life expectancy. For any other queries, feel free to PM me.
Ok, purely Microsoft, but here goes:
1) If you ever need tech support from MS< never ever read out the letters "OEM" from a product. Where do you find these letters?
a) OS's: System Properties dialogue box, under "Registered to"
b) Other programs: Help>About Microsoft [program], and under "Product ID
Why not? Cos u get jack shit with regards to free support.
Solution
a) tell them either ur OS wont boot OR you can’t open the program (if it’s an MS Office product, tell them none will open).
ALWAYS TELL THE DICK ON THE PHONE U BOUGHT THE FULL PACKAGED PRODUCT FROM THE SHELF OF YOUR NEAREST PCWORLD (or alternate)
The dick on the end of the phone will set you a case up then pass you thru to the 'engineers'.
Once thru, tell the engineer that the previous guy didn’t listen to you, and THEN explain the real problem - they will deal with it regardless. No communication is made between these dept.s
e.g. case setup - Glasgow
engineer support - Reading
b) tell them ur hardware manufacturer has gone bust - Dan Technologies is a good one. Here you are at liberty to specify the exact problem.
DEPT: No specified dept. u MUST go thru the initial cockend.
2) If you need replacement disks for ANY piece of software (bar ridiculously early items such as any '95 series), you will need to either
a) photocopy ur disk and covering box (anywhere where the Certificate of Authenticity is prominent) - does ur mate/family-member have one?, and fax it thru to a bunch of Dutch fuckwits (no racism here, they really are retarded) and they will send you the replacement thru to you. (u may get an english guy, but it’s unlikely)
b) they MAY ask you to send you the original damaged disk back to them. If they do, take the reference number for the call, and tell them you will send it. If ;) it doesn’t get there, phone them back to query the status. They almost always send out shit before they get the original back. If they don’t get it, expecting you to have sent it, just kick up a stink saying u did.
DEPT: Microsoft Direct Services aka MDS.
3) Make up some cock and bull story about how ur kid (u got one? now u have) got pushed over at the latest MS/Xbox conference stand by one of the MS guys working there.
MAKE UP UR OWN STORY, they’re not gonna believe 20 rtcw.co.uk forum readers with the same story...
Solution
- At least an Xbox game, at best, a £30,000 license to run Content Server - u decide.
DEPT: Customer Service Team, aka CST - but don’t ask directly - tell the operator dude you wanna lodge a formal complaint - they’ll ask you for a few details, but don’t be shy. It’s only for contact purposes, not criminalising purposes. They’ll want ur address too, but just give it to em - they don’t give a fuck about you as a person.
3) Product Keys
If you're too stupid to use Kazaa, then phone up, but follow the guidelines set out in part 1)
4) Hardware
Microsoft fulfils ANY warranty on hardware - i.e. they will replace it. All u need is the PID from your selected piece of hardware, which is always located where the serial no. and barcode is. If you have this, then follow the guidelines for part 2) above. BTW, this is open to SERIOUS abuse - wherever you can find PID, u can use it at Ms's telephone service. Bare in mind, all intellimouses are stacked on shelves with their underside showing.
MDS may ask you to send ur faulty piece back, but just adhere to the guidelines set in part 2)
FINALLY:
i) Always ask for a call reference number - no matter who u speak to, or what the call is regarding
ii) This offer may run out before the end of the year, as a lot of dept.s are being shifted to Dublin, where u will encounter a horde of telephone n00bs who ultimately stick to the book- however, most of the advice here should get urself around any n00b policy.
In fact, it all will
iii) You may get cut off alot, it is rife thru MSUK (i.e. cunts like me just cant be fucked with the likes of you when we have surfing to be done...) - don’t worry, just phone back up and ask for the releveant dept. or quote ur reference no.
iv) FUCK MICROSOFT
v) laugh at how much free stuff you've gotten from this dick (http://www.stenstad.net/storage/ballmer_dance.mpg) (sp| Ballmer, not Balmour, as i previously stated)
Ok, purely Microsoft, but here goes:
1) If you ever need tech support from MS< never ever read out the letters "OEM" from a product. Where do you find these letters?
a) OS's: System Properties dialogue box, under "Registered to"
b) Other programs: Help>About Microsoft [program], and under "Product ID
Why not? Cos u get jack shit with regards to free support.
Solution
a) tell them either ur OS wont boot OR you can’t open the program (if it’s an MS Office product, tell them none will open).
ALWAYS TELL THE DICK ON THE PHONE U BOUGHT THE FULL PACKAGED PRODUCT FROM THE SHELF OF YOUR NEAREST PCWORLD (or alternate)
The dick on the end of the phone will set you a case up then pass you thru to the 'engineers'.
Once thru, tell the engineer that the previous guy didn’t listen to you, and THEN explain the real problem - they will deal with it regardless. No communication is made between these dept.s
e.g. case setup - Glasgow
engineer support - Reading
b) tell them ur hardware manufacturer has gone bust - Dan Technologies is a good one. Here you are at liberty to specify the exact problem.
DEPT: No specified dept. u MUST go thru the initial cockend.
2) If you need replacement disks for ANY piece of software (bar ridiculously early items such as any '95 series), you will need to either
a) photocopy ur disk and covering box (anywhere where the Certificate of Authenticity is prominent) - does ur mate/family-member have one?, and fax it thru to a bunch of Dutch fuckwits (no racism here, they really are retarded) and they will send you the replacement thru to you. (u may get an english guy, but it’s unlikely)
b) they MAY ask you to send you the original damaged disk back to them. If they do, take the reference number for the call, and tell them you will send it. If ;) it doesn’t get there, phone them back to query the status. They almost always send out shit before they get the original back. If they don’t get it, expecting you to have sent it, just kick up a stink saying u did.
DEPT: Microsoft Direct Services aka MDS.
3) Make up some cock and bull story about how ur kid (u got one? now u have) got pushed over at the latest MS/Xbox conference stand by one of the MS guys working there.
MAKE UP UR OWN STORY, they’re not gonna believe 20 rtcw.co.uk forum readers with the same story...
Solution
- At least an Xbox game, at best, a £30,000 license to run Content Server - u decide.
DEPT: Customer Service Team, aka CST - but don’t ask directly - tell the operator dude you wanna lodge a formal complaint - they’ll ask you for a few details, but don’t be shy. It’s only for contact purposes, not criminalising purposes. They’ll want ur address too, but just give it to em - they don’t give a fuck about you as a person.
3) Product Keys
If you're too stupid to use Kazaa, then phone up, but follow the guidelines set out in part 1)
4) Hardware
Microsoft fulfils ANY warranty on hardware - i.e. they will replace it. All u need is the PID from your selected piece of hardware, which is always located where the serial no. and barcode is. If you have this, then follow the guidelines for part 2) above. BTW, this is open to SERIOUS abuse - wherever you can find PID, u can use it at Ms's telephone service. Bare in mind, all intellimouses are stacked on shelves with their underside showing.
MDS may ask you to send ur faulty piece back, but just adhere to the guidelines set in part 2)
FINALLY:
i) Always ask for a call reference number - no matter who u speak to, or what the call is regarding
ii) This offer may run out before the end of the year, as a lot of dept.s are being shifted to Dublin, where u will encounter a horde of telephone n00bs who ultimately stick to the book- however, most of the advice here should get urself around any n00b policy.
In fact, it all will
iii) You may get cut off alot, it is rife thru MSUK (i.e. cunts like me just cant be fucked with the likes of you when we have surfing to be done...) - don’t worry, just phone back up and ask for the releveant dept. or quote ur reference no.
iv) FUCK MICROSOFT
v) laugh at how much free stuff you've gotten from this dick (http://www.stenstad.net/storage/ballmer_dance.mpg) (sp| Ballmer, not Balmour, as i previously stated)