View Full Version : A Joke
Elton John and Robbie Williams were both walking down the street, when they came across a young lady with her head stuck between two bars in a fence, she was bent over and you could see everything.
Robbie turned to Elton and said "I'm taking full advantage of this opportunity!" He bent her over and gave her one.
He came back all flustered, and turned to Elton and said, "Do you want a go Elton?"
Elton looked at Robbie and said, "Sorry mate, I could never fit my head between those bars."
A tramp walks into a jewellers, pulls down his trousers and starts fingering his own arse.
The jeweller crys out, 'stop stop stop get out get out!'
The tramp simply points to a sign which reads,
'Come in and pick your ring in comfort'
What do you call a sheep in Wales?
Fucked.
What's the definition of surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
What do you call a man with a 1 inch penis?
Justin.
Matthias
21-10-2002, 20:37
How do you know if a tread is stupid?
If the guy that started it keeps replying to himself :rolleyes:
Major Frags
22-10-2002, 01:28
Nice 1 :D :D :D :D :D
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was holding the first one's tail.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it thought it was a game.
What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?
Clint Eastwood makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.
The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?"
The man says "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.
The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer and you're going to blow chunks."
You don't understand said the man, "Chunks is my dog."
2 guys are drinking at a bar when one turns to the other & says "Right, time I was going home, the wife only lets me have 4 beers."
His friend says, "No, no, no, that'll never do. You should do what I do. Drink as many beers as you can fit down you, follow that with 5 tequilas, 3 whiskeys & a bourbon. Then go home, shove your head under the blanket & lick your wife's pussy like crazy, she won't complain after, trust me!"
So the 1st guy sees the logic, gets pissed and wobbles home.
After he stumbles up the stairs he opens the bedroom door, and without hesitation, dives under the blanket and licks away.
After 5 minutes he figures "Right, best go wash up or she'll never kiss me like this..."
So off to the bathroom he goes.
When he gets there he see's his wife, in the bath reading a book.
"What the fuck!" he shouts out.
"SHUSH!" she whispers back to him, "You'll wake your mother!"
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o
and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. He then asked the second guy the same question...
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 1000 people to give up drugs forever."
"1000 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your arsehole before prison...."
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parent's bedroom.
Finally, one morning he goes to his mum and says, "Mummy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in throught the key hole you're bouncing up and down on him..."
His mum is taken by surprise and says "Oh... well... I'm, erm, bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says "That won't work."
"Why?" his mum asks.
The boy replies... "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each morning and blows him back up!"
The same little boy continues to wake up as the thumping sound coming from his parent's bedroom carries on (after much negotiating on the father's account).
The boy once again get's a bit peeved off, and goes in to see his parents full on, in the act itself.
"Oh my god!" exclaims the boy, "what are you doing?"
The father quickly makes up an explanation...
"Oh, mummy's playing with my... er, Action Man, son."
The boy is somewhat shocked but accepts this and goes back to bed.
Two days later, and the father wakes up in hospital, with a bandage around his bellend.
"What happened?!?!" he shouts to his wife and son who have been loyaly sitting at his bedside all night.
The son smiles casually. "I tried to play with your Action Man but it spat at me so I bit it's head off."
BlackLotus
24-10-2002, 21:48
Originally posted by klump55
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it thought it was a game.
Why did the tree fell?
Cause she thought it was a monkey.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms! :(
Kid Chameleon
25-10-2002, 15:03
A Crime stoppers appeal
Merseyside police have named a local youth wanted for questioning in connection with an incident on Saturday afternoon in which a shot was fired at a pensioner. The elderly man, from North London, and described as "extremely frail and immobile" is said to have been left severely traumatised by the ordeal, and Police warn that his attacker may strike again. Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of Wayne Rooney, 16, should contact Merseyside Police immediately.
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